Today would have been M's birthday. Instead his funeral will be tomorrow.
It's nearly a month since he passed away, I still feel this must be some sort of bizarre and cruel joke. That one morning when I wake up it turned out to have been only a very vivid nightmare. Or that he'll call and say 'sorry, it's been some busy weeks, how's everything?'.
Something that will never ever ever happen.
I dread tomorrow in a really bad way. Not only because obviously a funeral of a loved one is far far from anyone's comfort zone and desired place to be. But also because the... well, less than pleasant proceedings leading up to this moment. I wish I could just curl up under the duvet all day instead. Which I will of course not do.
And sitting on this rollercoaster of emotions - yes, still riding it - there is also the financial worries. When two suddenly become one and that one is a small business owner/freelancer with still unpredictable incomes now in freefall, that happens.
I'm not the first one this has happened to, I won't be the last. And it really doesn't help being angry at me, myself and I for not being a better self-sufficient person. Just make sure I become one asap.
So amidst the sorrow I can not let myself just mourn, walk and rest because I need to find a job. Now. Preferably yesterday already. Unfortunately I can't rely on existing clients and interesting freelance leads, but right now I need to build a stable financial platform for myself. And unless some really great, new clients come knocking I think a regular employment is the answer at this moment in time. Though to continue running my own business is still my professional dream and goal.
So my days consist of telling *everyone* (including the universe, you hear me don't you?) that I'm looking for suitable jobs (within my field of communication, copywriting, social media and translations), sending spontaneous applications and replying to the odd job ads.
This was not the year I had planned for. Neither emotionally nor professionally.
But life doesn't much care for what we plan for, does it? We're simply along for the ride, the good , the bad and everything in between, trying to make the most of it given our particular circumstances. Just make sure to be grateful for the good beings, good meetings and happy happenings in it. And know you will survive the opposite, one step, one day, one week at a time.
And always be kind to eachother. And yourself.